What's That Mean?

In my last post I mentioned the Always Clean Wipes and quoted a little bit of marketing text for them.  This got me thinking about some of the euphemisms that have been created by marketing departments for (usually) horrifying things so they can been talked about without without actually talking about them.  Some cases in point:

Massengil came up with the concept of feeling "not so fresh down there".  Of course, those old enough to remember the commercial also know that this was used as part of a mother-daughter conversation about swamp crotch.  Has anyone out there actually had a conversation with their mother or daughter about this topic?  No, they have not.  Do you know how I know?   Because if they did both parties would have died of acute embarrassment and they would not be reading this blog.

How about "erectile dysfuntion" or "natural male enhancement" instead of "no boner" and "boner pills".  Erectile dysfunction sounds dignified and natural male enhancement sounds like something that should make you run faster.  (In reality, I imagine it probably impedes running).

Charmin has put cartoon bears to excellent use in order to sell us their toilet paper.  Somehow they've managed to tell us on how it will prevent you from actually touching your own waste and how it doesn't leave pieces of TP stuck to your bum.

There are others but my all time favorite is from the Alli literature.  Alli is a pill that allegedly promotes weight loss by blocking the absorption of fat in foods.  Since the fat isn't being absorbed it stays in the pipeline, if you will, until it reaches the other end of its journey.  As such, the makers of Alli want to make sure people are aware of what they call "treatment effects".  Know what this is a euphemism for?  You'll never guess.  It sounds so innocuous, doesn't it?  Well, if you're taking Alli and you're happily getting thorough your day and you suddenly realize that you just crapped your pants you, my friend, have just experienced a treatment effect.  Don't worry, though, if you've read your literature before popping these pills then you know the makers of Alli have got your back.  They suggest that new Alli users wear dark pants.  See?  No problem.

On that note, I leave you with a classic SNL moment.

From Me To You

I like learning new things. Sometimes I learn things that are awesome. Sometimes I learn things that are horrifying. I want to share with you the one thing that I have learned that is simultaneously fantastic and horrible to an equal and high degree.

Ready?

In 2004 the NY Times had an article about NYC sanitation workers and their surprisingly large pool of sanitation-related slang. The article can be found here. From this article I learned what they call "disco rice". Think about what that might be and then go here to find out.

See what I mean? Awesome and horrifying. At the same time.

P.S. If you read the article, my other favorite expression from it is "urban whitefish".

And now you know it too. This is my gift to you. You. Are. Welcome.

Northwest Nap

Over the course of this day I have thought about several things upon which I could pontificate in this blog. Now that I'm home and have a few minutes to write, I can't remember a damned thing. So, for inspiration, I went to www.urbandictionary.com and picked one of the newest words added. A Northwest Nap is a sleep deep enough where you aren't disturbed by irritations like the phone, your kids, the doorbell, air traffic control, the Air Force, stuff like that.

OK, I've been flying on planes since I was a wee slip of a thing. I had no fear of flying

until I was studying overseas in college and flew several times on domestic Chinese airlines. Why would this instill a fear of flying? Imagine a church bus. You know, the kind that has wheels that kind of wobble and trails a sickly cloud of greasy smoke? The kind that has been used to the point of exhaustion by the school systems before being sold at auction to Our Lady of Perpetual Incontinence? Well, slap some wings on it and pipe some jangly Chinese music through the speakers and you have yourself an example of Air China's planes. I actually saw smoke coming off the wing on one of our flights. I swear. No one else cared! I felt like William Shatner (and later John Lithgow) in the Twilight Zone. When I got home from Asia I joined the ranks of those who need to get completely blistered in order to fly. Eventually I got smart and asked by doctor for some chill pills instead of getting bombed every time I walk into an airport.

My point? Of all the horrible images that my brain will throw up

onto my interior movie screen AT NO POINT did I imagine that BOTH pilots are asleep or drunk or having sex or wha

tever the hell was going on with that Northwest flight. What the hell? That shit would not ha

ve happened before 9/11 and the advent of those bank vault style cockpit doors. Remember when you could see the pilots? You know what? The terrorists have won. Assholes.