In my last post I mentioned the Always Clean Wipes and quoted a little bit of marketing text for them. This got me thinking about some of the euphemisms that have been created by marketing departments for (usually) horrifying things so they can been talked about without without actually talking about them. Some cases in point:
Massengil came up with the concept of feeling "not so fresh down there". Of course, those old enough to remember the commercial also know that this was used as part of a mother-daughter conversation about swamp crotch. Has anyone out there actually had a conversation with their mother or daughter about this topic? No, they have not. Do you know how I know? Because if they did both parties would have died of acute embarrassment and they would not be reading this blog.
How about "erectile dysfuntion" or "natural male enhancement" instead of "no boner" and "boner pills". Erectile dysfunction sounds dignified and natural male enhancement sounds like something that should make you run faster. (In reality, I imagine it probably impedes running).
Charmin has put cartoon bears to excellent use in order to sell us their toilet paper. Somehow they've managed to tell us on how it will prevent you from actually touching your own waste and how it doesn't leave pieces of TP stuck to your bum.
There are others but my all time favorite is from the Alli literature. Alli is a pill that allegedly promotes weight loss by blocking the absorption of fat in foods. Since the fat isn't being absorbed it stays in the pipeline, if you will, until it reaches the other end of its journey. As such, the makers of Alli want to make sure people are aware of what they call "treatment effects". Know what this is a euphemism for? You'll never guess. It sounds so innocuous, doesn't it? Well, if you're taking Alli and you're happily getting thorough your day and you suddenly realize that you just crapped your pants you, my friend, have just experienced a treatment effect. Don't worry, though, if you've read your literature before popping these pills then you know the makers of Alli have got your back. They suggest that new Alli users wear dark pants. See? No problem.
On that note, I leave you with a classic SNL moment.