It Wasn't Me! (For A Change)

I want to tell you all about my experience at the spa the other day.  It was awesome!  Don't stop reading - I do have a story to tell, I'm not just gloating.

My mother is visiting from Iowa so we've been doing fun things this week like seeing Sherlock Holmes at the premium cinema (has booze and food), seeing Wicked, eating lots of good food, and a 90 minute massage at a day spa nearby.  I decided that since I'm still kind of banged up from the pajama pant incident I would try a hot stone massage since that involves less squeezing and pressing.

Let me just say that my mind is my own worst enemy most of the time.  I have to read a book or do a crossword puzzle before sleeping in order to tire it out and distract it with something to chew one while I drift off.  So while I love love love going to the spa and getting a massage, I never manage to relax into it all the way because my damn brain won't shut off.

Here are some of the things the voices in my head say to me:

In the locker room -

"OK, time to put on the robe.  I love these robes.  So big and roomy!  Wait, are you naked?  What are you doing?  Holy crap, you are not wearing any clothes under this tiny tiny robe!  You're supposed to keep your underwear on, you raging perv!"

I press on because you are, in fact, expected to be naked under the robe and I know this.

On the table -

"Did you remember to moisturize? You know your tattoos look ashy when you don't.  Nice job, this poor person has to rub your ashy tattoos.  Wait, did you eat?  You're not supposed to eat!  Oh my God, you ate today.  How could you eat!  What if you have gas?  Don't think about!  If you think about it, it will come.  You're still thinking about it!  Was that a gurgle?  I think you gurgled!  STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS!  Don't clench your butt, they'll see you.  Relax but not to much because you know.  The thing you don't want to think about will happen.  What is this music?  Are those seagulls?  Who thinks seagulls are relaxing?  This is so weird.  Ooh, rainforest, that's better.  A trip to the rainforest would be cool.  No it wouldn't, you hate heat.  Feet!  Do not flinch.  This.  Does.  Not.  Tickle.  Is this towel covering me?  I don't feel super covered.  What if I'm not.  What's hanging out?  Something's hanging out I know it.  Is that a breeze?  Did her boobs just hit my head?  I think they did.  Yup, there it was again.  Should I apologize?  That's stupid, she hit me with her boobs, I didn't head butt them.  I wonder what they think about this whole time.  I would count or recite poetry my head, I think.  Not you wouldn't, dumbass.  If that was true that's what you'd be doing right now instead of worrying about whether or not you're about to fa -STOP.  Do not speak its name.  OK, time to flip over.  Face down now.  I wish I had one of these tables at home.  I would totally sleep on my stomach of I had this face holder thingy.  I love this thing.  Soooo relaxing.  Hey!  You're drooling!  Could you be grosser?  What if that fell on her shoe?  Are those Crocs?  I don't care what people think, those things are comfy.  Those holes look different.  They must be fake Crocs.  Mock Crocs!  Good one, me.  Focus!  You almost drooled again.  Man, I really need one of these tables.  I wonder how much they cost.  Remember that movie Love At First Bite?  Was that George Hamilton?  I think so.  Wait, what?  We're done?  Oh man, I was just getting sleepy!"

So I can't fully relax because I'm too busy worrying that I'm embarrassing myself or about to embarrass myself.  Well, friends I have good news.  I now have an embarrassment credit!  While I was laying there doing my whole routine in my head the most wonderful thing happened.  Truly, truly wonderful.

My massage therapist farted.

This, of course, derailed my internal monologue to a desperate struggle not to react in any way, shape, or form.  It was not easy because, while I am an adult, there is something about being buck naked that automatically puts hysteria a few steps closer to happening and if you add a fart into the mix...I'm lucky I didn't have a stroke for as hard as I was trying not to react.  But I did it.  Which means I totally have a freebie coming.

WIN!

How The Mai-ty Have Fallen

I hope everyone had a nice holiday (or just a nice last week of December if that's what it was to you).  Mine has been, until about 30 minutes ago, full of personal triumph.  Let me start with the ways in which I have been kicking ass lately:

1.  I went to Maine for Christmas with Jenn Hupp (hereafter to be referred to as Huppy because, really, how can you not?) to hang out with her brother's family.  In an unusual plot twist,  I did not get a cold while I was there nor have a I gotten sick since I returned.  My joy is tempered by the fact that Huppy got sick instead.  Still, woot!


2.  I actually spent all day today working on lesson plans and syllabi for my Spring 2010 classes.  I know, right?  This sudden ability to focus prior to the last minute comes from the fact that I have agreed to teach six classes in the spring (full time is 3 or 4 classes).

3.  For years I have made something called peanut butter popcorn (an awesome treat I learned from my Grandma Kelley).  It tastes so good but I tend to make a mess when I make it.  Today, however, the fog parted and I had the epiphany that I could do everything I needed to do in the microwave eliminating a  lot of the mess.  Yes, I am 38 and it is late 2009 and I just frickin' figured out how useful my microwave can be.

These things have made me feel like I'm doing all right, navigating through the world, kicking ass, taking names.

Then a little while ago I stood up from the couch to go check out a cat-related noise and I somehow managed to get my right foot tangled up inside my left pajama pant leg while in mid-stride.  This had the effect of hogtying my feet together and I pitched forward sprawling on the floor missing a doorway by inches.  I mean seriously, I've been doing so well and suddenly I can't trust myself to walk and wear pants at the same time?  For frick's sake!

Huppy witnessed this incident in its entirety and once I was vertical again we had this conversation:

Huppy:  "You weren't actually that close to hitting the doorframe.  You did some traveling while you were writhing around."
Me:  "Oh, that's good.  I mean, it would have been fine either way.  I would have used my catlike reflexes to keep from getting brained."
Huppy:  "Really.  And where were those catlike reflexes when you were trying to walk across the room?"
Me:  "Uh..."

Tomorrow my goals are to do more lesson plans, wear my clothes right-side out, and to not fall down.  And no fires!

Update:  It's now been 24 hours and one of my toes is purple.  Again, how is it that I can't successfully walk and wear pants at the same time.  I've had a TON of practice!

Menace II Society

I hope that someday I can make this blog into a place where I weigh in on deep issues, make astute observations, perhaps give my readers a new perspective on something...

Today is not that day. Instead I'm going to tell you (for not the first and certainly not the last time) a story about how I made an ass of myself today. Ready?

This is finals week where I work. This means I have a ton of grading to do. Unfortunately I am almost incapable of grading at home. Home has too many things to do other than grading so I typically go to a restaurant, park myself there, and tip heavily. Tonight I decided to try a local Thai restaurant. It's a pretty small place and a little family was at the only four-top so I sat at a little two-top, placed my order and started to get organized. While I was separating the finals into a stack for each of the three versions, I got a whiff of someone toasting marshmallows. Despite the fact that I hadn't gotten my dinner I immediately started fantasizing about ordering whatever it was that smelled like roasted marshmallows. Here's a neat tidbit: If you put your napkin on top of a candle it ignites and smells like smores. Yup, in the midst of all of my organizing I had set stuff on top of the burning candle at my table. By the time I realized what was going on the napkin was pretty well engulfed so I picked it up and walked toward the bar to ask for a glass of water. One of the other customers was nice enough to let me extinguish it in her ice water.

Take a moment and imagine how mortifying it was to set my napkin on fire and have to douse it in someone else's water.

I'll wait.


OK, now try to imagine how extra mortifying it is, after the napkin fire/dousing experience, to return to the table and discover that the final exams were now on fire. Seriously. I'm not sure it's possible for me to be a bigger horse's ass. Fortunately, copier type paper doesn't burn nearly as fast as a paper napkin so I was able to bat this one out with my hand. At this point I blew out the candle, put all my grading stuff away, ate my food, and left.

I don't think I'm going to do any more grading tonight.

So You Think You Can Function

I was watching the season finale of So You Can Think You Can Dance this evening and needed to go to another room to grab some paper.  As I stood up the showed a clip from a Bollywood performance and since those are my favorites I stopped for a moment to do a little dance.  Naturally, I was asked what on earth I was doing so I said I was dancing and that if I wanted to I could do what they were doing on the TV.  Considering the amount of flipping and leaping that was going on I had to say this with a hefty amount of confidence and bravado.  Sure, I can do that I just don't feel like it.  After making this pronouncement I turned and walked right into door.

If anyone asks how I got the bruise I'm going to tell them I was dancing.