Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Assault With Intent to Watch a Movie

I posted a status on Facebook the other day that went as follows:

I think that _if_ I ever end up in a physical altercation with another person (by no means a guarantee because that's not how I roll) but will take place in a movie theatre. This is my prediction.

Now, I think I am generally a person who is fairly easy-going.  Sure, there are things that I find annoying.  
Here are a few:

I get irked when I order pasta in a restaurant and it's over-cooked.  I mean really - a box of pasta costs 89 cents - the profit margin on a plate of it is huge.  Bearing that in mind, I think it's not unreasonable of me to expect it to be cooked properly.  

We have a self-checkout aisle at the grocery store.  We also have hand scanners that allow a shopper to be able to scan and bag their items as they shop.  Then, at the self-checkout aisle, one simply scans a bar code and a customer card and the entire order scrolls across the screen.  It's very convenient as there is no time at the register needed to scan items or bag them.  What drives me batty is when someone uses that lane to process an enormous order that has not been scanned and bagged.  Do they not understand that by doing that they're spending twice as long checking out?  In the "manned" lanes a person is bagging while the food is being rung up but these fools are scanning, then paying, then bagging.  All while I'm standing behind them with the ability to process $200 worth of groceries in 45 seconds.

Buying women's clothes.  Honestly, I think that's a whooooole other blog post.  

OK, so some things get under my skin but I usually just roll my eyes or fume a bit and that's it.  No confrontation, no taking it out on some poor schmo in customer service, and no snide comments.  Life is too short to get really worked up about this stuff.


You know when people talk during a movie?  Yeah, that goes up my ass sideways.  I mean, really.  All of my non-confrontational habits go right out the window.  I exhibit both passive-agressive and active-aggressive traits.  I sigh, I stare, I glare, I say things like "Really?!?!", "For frick's sake!", and "This is NOT your living room!".  Sometimes these people are drunk, sometimes stupid, and sometimes a horrible combination of both.  If you're too dumb to watch a movie without needing to make comments to prove that you understand what's happening, stay at home.  The only reason I have not yet gotten into a full-on tussle is that often Huppy is at the movies with me and confrontation is her Kryptonite.  Each time I make any of my little protests she sucks in her breath, bugs her eyes out at me, and dies a little bit inside.  The problem is that this happens almost every time I see a movie.  Do people suck more lately or am I becoming the curmudgeon that I've always wanted to be? 

So yeah, this is clearly a hot button issue for me.  Be forewarned rude movie-goers:  when I finally lose it I'll lose it big time, I have a second degree blackbelt, and I outweigh 90% of my potential opponents.  Let's just all play it safe and shut.  the.  hell.  up.

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